playing victim.

i have definitely spent too much time laid out on hospital beds.

last night, sitting next to my grandmother in the emergency room, i may have been a little drunk and disoriented (and awful tired) but several times i looked over at her and wondered what she was doing in 'my bed'.

honest to god. something in my tired, confused, (drunk?) brain was so used to being the one tied down to a hospital bed by inexplicable leads, drowning drugs and (most importantly) a busted body that i found it hard to adjust to being 'bedside'.

t'aint right, doll.

no, kid. that ain't your place....

i like boys who....

...have good names.

you've half won me over if you have a name i want to nail onto the end of every sentence.

(secret confession #1 : as a kid when daydreaming up imaginary 'hunks' and 'heroes' i ALWAYS began with a name... there's a very distinct possibility this stemmed from those breathy cries of "Bastian, say my name!")

home contents

(bed space is limited. this was daniel's sleep spot for tonight.)

the house is packed.

my brother's girlfriend arrived today. this has taken the count up to fourteen....

this christmas has felt like the opening scene of home alone on constant repeat (sidenote: i have watched home alone 1&2 five times in the last week)

home contents:

1. myself

2. lisa (sister) 23

3. david (brother) 21

4. mom

5. dad

6. uncle

7. aunt

8. grandma 1

9. grandma 2

10. emma (cousin) 10

11. patrick (cousin) 20

12. daniel (cousin) 22

13. adam (cousin) 24

14. anna (david's girlfriend) 21

trying to wrangle everyone up and herd them into cars even to just get out to the pub is a feat in itself. i'm really looking forward to seeing anna's reaction to the way this family is dealing with so many people. the fact that people are drinking all day, most of the household is severely jetlagged (all but 2 of us had only arrived in england mere days before christmas) and there are just SO MANY PEOPLE means there is just constant shouting (a combination of jest, frustration and just having to compete with such high noise levels).

i don't think the board games are helping. we have played monopoly at least once a day every day plus several games of cards, scrabble and risk. although we're all joking, things seem to be spiraling out of control in a way that is hypnotic and hilarious to witness... during a game of beatleopoly the other day my uncle called my sister a bitch and during last night's game of risk my cousin told my uncle that he was 'literally raping' me.

this family is ridiculous

it's 3am and my dad is playing music so loud that it feels like there's a party going on somewhere.

hearing unexplained music thumping from behind a door in the middle of the night wouldn't be unusual in a house where half a dozen 21-25 year olds are currently staying for the holidays except i'd seen the vast majority of them pass out already (including daniel amidst the mess of my bedroom floor....)

my sister and i quickly surmise that the music must be coming from my dad's study downstairs and the first thing my sister says is "can you please go downstairs and check that he hasn't had a heart attack and landed on the volume button"

(little emotion. just a sort of tired resignation.)

reminded me of a sad moment earlier. my mom comes home from a day of shopping at about 6pm and i hear her walk up to my grandmother and say "Norah, have you actually had anything to eat today?"

grandma: "umm. no....?"

i like boys who....

Kelly mentioned yesterday that she was meeting up with a guy that i went out with a little when i was about 18. It reminded me of how at the time she had told me (specifically referring to him. actually, no i guess my boyfriend before that hadn't been a pin up either...) that i needed to "stop dating fat boys and get back into your own league"

this, plus the boys that i've had crushes on in the last few months (and, more telling, the reactions i've garnered from relaying said crushes to other girls) has made me realize that i have almost reverse-attrativeness taste in men:

• No, balding is not a problem. I find it pretty cute. Particularly, how sensitive you are about it....

• Weight: now I'm not about to say "the bigger the better" (somewhere in that crush-crazy head of mine i think there are standards...) but I'll tell you now: muscles gross me out. Give me an adonis-style beach babe and I'm liable to only ask him for directions to the nearest concession stand. I used to adore skinny boys but my sister (who also has a thing for skinny boys) repeatedly points out how bad for the self-esteem it is to be dating somebody who actually weighs less than you. So bring on the bigger boys. I'm not talking 'fatties' here, but I'm not girl to shy away from someone who's going to make those button holes work. Maybe it's my deep abiding love for Billie Holliday, but I have a bit of a thing for a man who looks like he could take me down with one good hard slap... (and yes, I'm sorry past professors, feminism was one of my main emphases at college). Now I'm making it sounds like I need to join a BBB group or something. That my penchant for 'big boys' rules out anyone of average stature but that's far from the case. I'm just saying.... your broad shoulders and heavy arms ain't scaring me away doll....

• all those things my daddy told me to stay away from. as a side note: anything to do with my dad and boys is pretty ridiculous. i'm pretty sure he just wants us married off as quickly as possible. this can be the only possible explanation for the fact that in every middle eastern or third world country me and my sister have visited with him since we were kids, he has 'hilariously' attempted to sell us to the locals. nothing pleases him more when bartering for a card table in morocco or a discounted rate on an african safari as offering up one or both of his daughters as part of the deal... or when travelling through a small middle eastern village to shout out "how many camels can i get for these girls...?" yet when i was a teenager my dad had one of those 'witty' emails that 'hilarious' fathers email each other about dating their daughters. you know the ones - where shotgun or shovel is featured in every bullet point as well as constantly reading this out (and threatening to distribute it to every boy who ever entered the house or sending it out to every boy on my contacts list). his motto was: never trust a man with a piercing, tattoo or ponytail. (i think he always thought this all the more amusing being that he had all three). but i'll tell you now... tattoos get me more than anything. i'm a die hard sucker. the tackier the better. give me a ship, an anchor, a heart, 'MOM', roses or a pin up girl and i'm yours. the more ridiculous the better (michael was once considering a Journey tattoo and it drove me nuts) and the more the merrier. (but boys, start with the arms. legs are a little emo for me. i get it if every other spot is taken but really anything off the upper chest or arms is a last resort....). extra points if it has something to do with me.... for years, michael spoke of getting a ship with SS Uma (his nickname for me and teensy collectively) on the sails though alas this never happened....

• unhandsome features. the other day it suddenly occurred to me while talking kevin through girl worries that having grown up with and being best friends with the knopp brothers (who get more female attention than probably every other male i've ever met combined) he perhaps didn't actually realize that he was also incredibly handsome. i pointed this out and the spiel he gave me following was a perfect example of what i enjoy in a male: he told me how he was almost grateful he wasn't as pretty as the knopps. that if he ever was he would want to bust himself up a bit because every man is made more handsome by being less so....

• scars. yeah, yeah. so this is where i turn right back into a traditional girl. but scars are hot. scars mean you made a mistake that lead to a mess. and who doesn't love that? aaron once gave me a tour of every scar and broken bone on his body and it made me feel like the biggest 'girl' ever. but i'm no superficial girl. you don't just need a shark bite on your torso to win my love.... my last serious boyfriend actually had scars criss-crossing his whole face from a particularly bad car accident and it was one of my favourite features...

• height. no issue. for real. every celebrity crush i had as a tween (JTT, seth green, brecklin meyer...) was vertically challenged. short boys compensate. they're funnier. they're less arrogant.... then there's the average height. so yeah, you might just be 5"8 which is barely above average female height, but you know that makes making out on the dance floor a heck of a lot easier.... tall boys: now i like heels. i'm gonna stretch those legs out as far as i fucking can. so i'll have to manage a few more blisters, you're gonna have to stoop a little more but heck, i'm game if you are....

now my "i like boys who...." is ongoing so i don't want to use it all up in one blog post where y'all are going to get tired one paragraph in anyway, so i'll leave it here....

magnets

awful push and pull. jump and fall. no idea where i stand from one moment to the next....

i don't want to get lost but it feels so good. and then i'm so wrapped up i don't want to lose it.

goshdarnit step away kid. be careful. (girl, you know you're going to get hurt....)

reach out and touch (faith)

"sarah, every shirt i wore that week has a stretchy hand print over my heart. I don't regret that."

-k.a.m.

i'm a mauler.

i have to reach out and touch. EVERYTHING. i walk down the street and my hands are outstretched and brushing against every parking meter, stone wall, telegraph pole and dangling branch.

it's like a compulsion.

my sister was the same as a kid. i always remember her dragging her fingers along a shop window once and they got caught and torn up on a crack in the grass. blood everywhere. and even at that young age i remember sensing the social awkwardness that was occurring between my mother and the shopkeeper: it had (somewhat) been her fault in the first place and now they had blood dripping over their window display HOWEVER children should (perhaps) have the right to reach out and touch something as innocuous as a shop window.... neither really knew how to react.

so yeah, back to me (and my blistered finger pads). i'm a toucher. i'll hang off your arm. i'll stroke the softness of your new cashmere sweater. i'll tug at your stubble to see how it feels. but worst of all. if you let me cuddle with you... i'm a grabber. like a half-sleeping babe this little fist grabs and tugs and whatever clothing you have.

maybe i should have had a security blanket as a kid.....

kelly

so this morning my phone went off a couple of times and i ignored it. now vaguely awake, i sleepily check my emails to find there's one from kelly asking me to do something today. i was too tired and decided to go back to sleep and call her when i woke up....

approximately half an hour later the doorbell rang. i ignored it. and again it goes. i stumbled up, realising that in all likeliness the door was unlocked and half the people who stop by the house will enter after a couple of unanswered buzzes. scrambling to make myself decent i made it to the door in time to interrupt the as-yet-unknown visitor mid-"i'm-holding-down-on-this-thing-til-you-get-out-of-bed-you-lazy-mother-fucker".

it was kelly.

(a bit of background: kelly started at Sunny Hill ( the girls school i went to, not a mental institution like it sounds ) during my second year. all my life i've been excited about 'new girls' (yeah, yeah....). you know, school is dragging along, things are going 'fine', you're pretty much fucking sick of everyone. so the thought of some new blood is pretty appealing. she may be your new best friend. she may be the ONE who actually knows all the bands you're crazy about but nobody else in this dumb school has ever heard of.... ANYWAY. so i'm stoked.... the whole thing actually ends up playing out like that scene from can't hardly wait (sans pop tart). you know the one. so they introduce kelly and she walks in. i'm fucking floored. now, i'll be straight up arrogant here, i was kind of cute back in the day. (or so i was told.) and in walks one of the prettiest girls i've ever seen... ridiculously cute. all swishy brown hair, bright blue eyes and adorable freckles. i exaggerate not, all anybody could talk about was her hair. she was like a living, breathing, walking Pantene ad. but this kid is so sweet that as much as i want to hate her (knowing that she is about to steal every boys' heart, which up to this point i've worked so hard to earn...) i totally fell in love. so over the next 7 years we became pretty close. our friendship being both helped and hindered by the fact that her boyfriend for most of those 7 years was my best friend and we were close as fuck.)

so i pull open the door. i feel like shit. i'm sick with something. jet lag is really kicking my ass and i may have been talking on fucking fb chat until a pretty obscene hour the night before without noticing just how late it had gotten... (ok, yeah i was... loser)

there she is: kelly. NOBODY should look that fucking good so early. and certainly not when i'm standing in just my dinosaur jr t-shirt with bedhead and sleep creases all over my face. this kid is bloody immaculate: skinny jeans tucked into cute boots all topped off with a classy coat and huge knitted snood. gross.

so she tells me she's going to whip me off to sherborne for some christmas shopping and lunch... now sherborne is a frickin' death trap: during school time there are several posh private schools all packed into this tiny town and so it's bursting at the seams with these stunning girls who make you feel like shit. then during the holidays it's worse: all the preppy boys i grew up with who went to the boys school there all pile back in for christmas with their families and it's a sure bet if i'm looking like shit i'm gonna run into the cutest one of 'em....

now sometimes i'll rock the hangover. i'll muss that greasy hair up some, work the sloppy leftover eye makeup and just make sure i'm wearing either leather or fur. but i'll tell you now, that shit don't go down so well in this town: you stroll into a boutique wearing muddy riding boots, some smelly jodphurs and a barbour: you're golden. i can be head to toe in designer clothes and still can't pass myself off as a classy country-gal.

so here i am, scrabbling around my bedroom, suitcases merely peeled open and disheveled rather than actually unpacked. i'm trying hard to keep up some witty banter while throwing clothes every which way trying to find something half decent... all i can find are sequins, beads and glitter. i can find leather and i can find minidresses (both possibly passable) but no tights and with all this talk of snow - these legs sure as shit aint making an appearance on the cobbled streets of sherborne this morning....

i can't pull a damn thing together so end up just hiding under a coat so huge that two people commented on it in the few short hours i was in town... so cut to a short while later and me and kelly are getting down to business at my new favorite bakery when talk turns to catch up... close as we may have been all through high school i actually went years without seeing or speaking to kelly once we left school. it was only when both of us were stranded back in the countryside for several months this past year (her for an internship with some amazing architects and me for bunch of stupid surgeries i had to have on my back and jaw) that we met up and realized how little either of us had really changed in the last ten years....

so we all know i'm a fuck up. the "'give up' after the 'break up'" : avoiding committing to anything i'm just spent the last year moving from city to city, country to country. earning where i can and making ends meet. producing FUCK ALL and getting older by the day. but kelly is working on her masters in architecture (and that girl has TALENT). she has a cookie-cutter boyfriend who's gonna put a ring on that finger possibly before the year is even out. she's a looker and smart as a whip. perfect combination of witty and bitchy but not at all mean. she's going places. and SHE of all people starts talking about floundering. quickly this depressing conversation disintegrates into a 'where are they now' run-down of all the people we knew or went to school with who are now the very definition of successful. i'll tell you now, this game is rarely (if ever) fun. our disgusting run-down calls upon A(?)-list actors with stunning MAW girlfriends, ex-boyfriends with record contracts that include fast cars as a bonus, successful models and their boyfriends (one of whom kelly actually said "wait, haven't you seen his latest campaign, give me one of those magazines {grabbing at Vogue and Grazia} - it will be in there") and successful actresses screwing hot actors we've all crushed on at one point or another. then there are those that are scaling the ivory towers and looking pretty good all the way up there. the smug marrieds. the 'got so much better looking after school' and even those who may be entirely uninteresting or untalented but have their own private jets (and licenses to drive them)....

all in all. kelly dropped me off and i felt 'lame'. looking forward to all my old friends trekking back down to the countryside and asking me that dreaded question (or any variation of): "so what do you do....?"

kid.

i wish that back when we were still together we smoked cigarettes together... preferably in minimal clothing.... and that summer we lived in the garden room....? outside. or at least with our french doors flung open sprawled on the stoop. (still, in minimal clothing)

a lot.

damn. it's been a year and i still miss you like hell....

foodies

this family is ridiculous.

we've run out of room to put any of the actual christmas food in the fridge because it's filled up with 'presents'. it appears that the only gifts that anyone is giving/receiving for christmas this year are meats, cheeses, chutneys and olives...

(oh, and whiskey's and ales)

best christmas surprise EVER.

being back and not having jake here i was missing him in gross proportions....

so jacob surprising us all and coming home early has literally MADE my stay.

i screamed like a fan when he walked in the door....

a stupid-amount hour flight back from south africa and he manages to handle (and MAKE) four parties in his first 2 days home. this boy is golden.

mod club

Mod Club makes me feel like this:

REASONS I MISS/LOVE MOD CLUB:

• mod club makes me dance so hard i don't realize how many cute boys were in the same room until their photos appear on theFuturists a few days later.

• (there are always at least a half dozen ridiculously good looking boys at mod club, even if i don't realize at the time.)

• mod club is always guaranteed to play at least 2 of my 5 favourite songs/artists.

• the bouncers tell me i'm a regular (even though i'm really not).

so it's friday. and more than anything i want to be crouched down, fists clenched or arms outstretched and screaming on the dance floor at honey. but i'm a million miles away. and we don't have mod club here. we have a sports bar that has karaoke once a week....

so tonight kids, it's mod club. at my house. PBRs all round. let's tear this shit up.

i like boys who....

have more hair on their chest/face than on their heads

vivi hearts mountain men. yes.

mental beast.

hearting hard on the bronx cheer boys i was devastated when i ran into (read: ran UP to and threw myself at...) craig at ice cream social one night and (after much disgusting sycophancy) was told there would be months to wait for more friends like these...

HOWEVER....

connor/craig fans (past, present and future).... you're in luck:

may i have the pleasure of introducing you to MENTAL BEAST

playing off all of my weaknesses (my burgeoning love for twitter, my addiction to podcasts and of course the deep affection i feel towards their webseries), in short.... I'M IN TROUBLE.

screw macauley culkin and the cast of a christmas story. ditch 'em and let these boys make your run up to christmas so much better.....

mentalbeast.com

technology is kicking my ass...

due to the fact that at some point i tried to fix a computer problem myself, i now receive two copies of every e-mail that comes to me. the mail program on my macbook also packed in a couple of weeks ago (now back on praise the lord) so this combined the fact that i've been ridiculously busy/lazy means that i have....

1,556 unread emails sitting in my inbox

(i am never going to get through them....)

ps. this issue is not helped by the fact that my macbook battery has died so i can only turn it on for about 10 minutes at a time....

movie marathon.

dreams of making out to a christmas movie or rom-come dashed.... THESE are the movies i want to watch (or for the most part re-watch) in the next couple of weeks:

JIM JARMUSCH (to watch with the knopps)

caleb brought over Stranger than Paradise the other day and it's one of the best films I've seen in a loooooong time. (more fun was yesterday spending the day with caleb and kevin while they discussed which one was Willie, which one was Eddie and why they would always come back for me (Eva)....)

• Permanent vacation - this is the second disc in caleb's box set so i'm going to wrestle him down and get it.
• Night on Earth - caleb and aaron haven't seen it yet and they're both on a Jim Jarmusch kick right now....
• Mystery Train - looks fuckin' AWESOME
• Down by Law (maybe) - watching ironweed the other night made me wanna watch more Tom Waits movies...

WERNER HERZOG (to watch with caleb because i doubt he's seen any and i'm pretty sure he would LOVE them...)

• Mein Liebster Friend - i think i actually have this with me so i really ought to get on it...
• Stroszek
• The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (i fell asleep, missed the end and still haven't finished it)

ROBERT ALTMAN

• The Long Goodbye - i feel like this movie can't possibly be as good as I remember it. (i particularly want to watch this with michael)
• California Split - same thing. (i want to watch this with caleb/aaron)
• Brewster McCloud - i sort of don't remember this too well but i could never forget how much i love bud cort....

CHRISTMAS MOVIES (if i can't watch them with a boy who'll hold my hand then clare is my second choice. back in england it's going to be family family family and we might never leave the living room.....)

• Die Hard
• Home Alone
• You've Got Mail (even though I've watched this twice recently - rented it special i was pining so bad.) - also. any other Meg Ryan movie that features christmas - sleepless in seattle, when harry met sally, any others....?
• While you were sleeping (penny called while i was watching this the other day so i missed all the best christmas/crush scenes)
• Edward Scissorhands
• Love, Actually

y'all done broke me.

3am the night after too many before this one and i'm curled up in my 'nest' (as she calls it)... these beautiful words acting as the metaphorical toothpicks propping open my tired eyes.

the carved out space in this broken king sized bed. piles of clothes, shoes, cameras, torn furs, books, single shoes, blankets, pillows, sequins and beads....

surveying the damage on this body too hot to put into bed. not a red fingernail unchipped. one toenail missing (clear torn off). what feels like whiplash and will probably feel like regret by morning. heavy eyes (still). heavy head (always). bruises with no stories and cuts so small i can't picture the damage-maker.

so overheated you would never guess it's a thermochromatic t-shirt i'm drowning in. my body has heated every strand, loop and thread until it looks like a hanes classic....

a slow sleepy day and (first) empty night makes for a racing mind. and thoughts of another. barely known and mostly conjured.

somebody's turned the wine in this old railway mug back into water. and it's time to bow out.

twitter.

yeah really. an entry about twitter. i'm sorry.....

so. twitter.

i shunned. then i hummed. then i took on a moniker and figured nobody need know....

shhh... i still have my reservations (snob.) but i'm somewhat hooked on the good ones.....

reading his writing the other day i hoped hoped hoped he had twitter. (which in itself is a sign of how far i have fallen from my original stance on twitter)

i imagined poetry in under 140 characters. mini tales that would rival those of 'VeryShortStory'....

i hoped. and then i searched. (embarrassed at my zeal). and there he was... but nothing. nada. not even a lame opener such as:

"i guess i'll give this thing a go" (2:44 PM 3 months ago from web)

disheartened and bitterly disappointed it just proved to me my suspicions that the best know 'no twitter'

so imagine my confusion/surprise hours later when I receive an e-mail informing me that *********** is following me...

does this mean he is 'using'?! are my dreams going to come true: sullen quips, seedy short stories, kerouac style haikus....?

i'm clicking through... i don't want to get excited... i'm holding him in too high regard... it's going to be empty. it's going to consist only of club night updates. it's....

and i'm there. and it's perfect.

(Please Note: All names have been omitted due to high suspicions that 'somebody' may have their name on Google Alerts...)

don't go....

seems like every time i'm hauling my luggage through an airport i'm just waiting for somebody (anybody) to ask me to stay....

i hold off booking the flight, then it's done. (maybe i'll throw the term around a little for good measure, make sure you know i'm not sticking around much longer. unless you want me to...) right up until mere hours before... i'm looking for somebody to make me stay. even at the airport i'm looking around for that gesture. somebody who doesn't want me to leave. coming after me. once in the realm of passengers-only i won't give up... i'm cradling my phone from customs to take-off hoping even for a call or text. don't go. or even just "wait a while...."

homesick.

i don't know if i'd really call england my 'home' (a term becoming more and more confusing each time i change beds, houses, cities, country....) but i've been missing it. and this home. and that bed.

Offer.

E-mail today from Leonard Cohen's manager about dinner last week. I guess I need to decide pretty soon... Could I really do the book? REALLY!?

I don't know why I'm suddenly chickening out. Presumably because it's becoming possible. Or, is. Doing nothing so long makes it pretty hard to do something. anything.

i need braces.....

i wish that i could afford to NOT have a 'middle tooth' that sticks out like a lone buck tooth.....

'LG'

So spilling out into Gastown after closing time the other night a couple of slutty, underage-looking girls drunkenly start talking to me and Sam. I believe that Sam had only minutes before just found out how OLD I am and I was too drunk to now remember the context but she decided to mess with these girls by telling them I was underage.

Cue high pitched rally cries of "LG"

Blame it on the British but this was my first experience with the expression. Sam stopped laughing long enough to explain...

I am 25. I was being likened (or I guess even 'referred') to as a tween slut.

And I liked it.

Oh yeah.

Yes. Yes. I know.....

LG: Urban Dictionary definition

Vancouver Blog: theFuturists' Gunslingrrr

So I'm really quite in love with this guy. Nursing a hangover and wasting a day away on theFuturists his submissions were the ones repeatedly jumping out at me or the ones I had remembered from reading before.

Apparently he's writing a book. And I'll tell you, if what I've read so far is anything to go by then I'll be watching and waiting....

For now, these are my tops:

Gunslingrrr's observations, tips and musings about Vancouver make me never want to leave. Whether it be pointing out the necessity of hunkering down with a partner when the winter grey sets in, the cop code for Wreck Beach or (my personal favorite) his Dear John letter to Vancouver:

• Ten Tips for Surviving the Rainy Season in Vancouver
• Ten Tips for Surviving Wreck Beach
• Vancouver (we need to talk)

Even better than these are his self-reflective tales, handy advice or adolescent reminiscences:

• Merry Fucking Christmas aka Unemployed in Vancouver
• 2009: The year of the girlfriend
• Not only are cigarettes healthy, they're good for you too
• Tales from the bottom of the Bottle Vol. 1 - Generations

OR his sordid Miller/Bukowski-esque stories:

• Naked Strangers
• Prisoner of Whore

Enjoy!

It's getting kind of chilly here in Vancouver and I know it's only going to be colder when I get over to Virginia so I believe it's time for me to stop buying tiny vintage mini dresses and sequined crop tops and invest in some fantastic knits....

As well as the incredible Complex Geometries Cell Sweater I posted a while back I'm also coveting these right now:

This second one is Nicole Miller and I've actually bought two dresses recently that had a similar blobbiness (wtf?) to the fabric (one vintage, one from HP3) but I really want it in a knit.

Any good suggestions for what warm clothing I should be investing in?

Marry Me.

If you gave me this as my engagement ring I would know you know me. And I couldn't say no.

If I were a boy and could grow hair on my face...

Haha, after all the adoring (and a fair amount of listening) I've been doing of Nick Cave recently it made me laugh (and feel a little weird) when this picture of Aaron cropped up on a blog (and subsequently Facebook) this week....

It's a Nick Cave-like shadow of facial hair there is it not? (Or is my love-of-scruff just making me imagine things.....)

Anyway, I had a big pang of missing him (and Staunton-in-general AND all the wonderful people there) last week and seeing as it's been a couple of months now I'm looking forward to seeing that face in person hopefully next week....

"She's not my Mommy, She's my Nanny!"

When we were kids me and my sister had matching T-shirts that said:

"She's not my Mommy, She's my Nanny"

(Yes, we really did spend that amount of time in 'childcare')

Anyway, next time I go out with Daniel I want to wear a shirt that says:

"He's not my Boyfriend, He's my Cousin!"

(Really. No matter how much of the night I spend dancing with him, I p.r.o.m.i.s.e I'm single. Stop asking him/me if he's my boyfriend.) (That's gross.)

I've been crushing pretty hard on some vintage Nick Cave recently.....

Masked Party

Me + Daniel

Much fun at Danika's Birthday last night...

Luggage Lust

I'm packing for my last minute trip to LA (I do believe that 10 dresses, 2 t-shirts, 2 sweaters, 2 jackets, 3 pairs of leggings (glitter, matte & shiny) and a pair of faux leather trousers might be a little excessive for a 4 day trip but I can't help myself....)

I just WISH I was packing it all into THIS:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA

Today my little sister turns 23.

So here are a few of my favourite childhood pictures of the two of us....

In this one below I have a sad, sinking feeling that I might have been trying to set up a situation whereby I could blame my sister for causing me some kind of physical trauma. Either that or I'm so eager for my turn that I'm waiting for her to come closer so I can rip her off the ride and take my seat on it....

And these following two show perfectly what my poor little sister has had to put up with for the last 23 years: It appears that the photographer has kicked a ball in our direction. In my greed I seem to be elbowing Lisa out of the way so that I can to it first....

So dear sweet 'Little Lisa', I'm sorry for all the orange balls I clambered over you for, I'm sorry for all the nights I kept you awake making noise over your bedroom, I'm sorry for never closing the playroom door regardless of how many signs you put up or tantrums you threw over it. I apologize for all the car rides when I sang tunelessly along to my walkman even though you begged me not to and for any time I might have punched either David (or even myself) and blamed it on you. For every 'tale' I ever 'told' on you. For all your clothes I ever stole or stretched.

I love you so much and can't wait to see what's coming up for you. Wish I could be there today....

Laptop Case

I'm not even joking.... I DREAMT about this laptop case last night.

I must want it even more than I know....

Don't you just love it when you lose an earring on the floor of a club and then it turns up!?

If I was this cute I would totally do disgusting things like spit and dribble in other people's tea just to see if I could look as adorable as she does....

Point Grey

This little part of the world is literally perfect today. I just went for a cycle through the park and it was G L O R I O U S.

Leaves EVERYWHERE. The trees seemed even taller without them. Big puddles that made amazing waves when I plowed through them but didn't splash me. The lakes and ponds were looking incredible. I cycled over every bridge at least twice. And then I came out from all the trees and the maze of winding leafy paths and water and there's the beach....

It's one of those really grey but bright days where the sky looks gloomy but everything glows. (I took some photos of a day like that in Malta and when Aaron saw them he said it looked like a Nick Cave video, so now that's what I think of on these kind of days...) So the tankers were just radiant and it was so windy that the waves were really big and crashing. And now all of the mountains are capped with snow (which just feels S O darn G O O D).

I wish I could have stayed out longer but cycling against the wind was h a r d w o r k. Also without gloves my hands were killing me and unfortunately I'm not adept at the no-hands cycle so couldn't even stick them in my fleece-lined pockets. (Yup, I was wearing my shiny bright blue down puffa jacket that Dendhi gave me.... C O Z Y )

I came home and my ears were ringing they were so cold. Then I cozied up on the bed with a perfect view out over the mountains and thanks to the leaf-fall I could even see the tankers. The last couple of hours the sky has changed colour about a million times and we've had sun, sprinkling showers, hail and a small bout of heavy rain. So good.

This city is going to be REALLY hard to leave (even if it is for the best possible place you could ever be this time of year....)

I didn't have my camera on me so I'm afraid these rather grainy, ill-composed and dismal looking iphone snaps are all I have to show and they really don't do it the justice it deserves...

Sincerely L. Cohen

More on this later because right now I'm too excited to write but I had to spit it out....

I just got invited to fly down to LA for the weekend to meet with Leonard Cohen's manager as there's a possibility of me helping research a book about him.

I'm so excited that I cannot use words and just want to use emoticons. (Don't worry. I won't. I would never.) Instead I'll just write in reeeally really small type like I'm squealing.

Bag Dump

"The Bag Dump."

(Click to Enlarge)

"The list of contents."

So I just did a 'Bag Dump' for Hearty Magazine and I thought I would repost here....

Contents:

1. THE BAG. I love it but it's so big that it kind of looks ridiculous if it doesn't have a ton of stuff in it. i guess that's maybe my excuse for hauling around so much junk. Bought it at HP3 consignment on 4th Ave. aka 'the shop that's sending me into bankruptcy'

2. NAIL POLISH. It's cheap as crap halloween nail polish that I bought last year and it chips like a motherfucker (you have literally one hour at best, if you're super careful) but it's also one of the best colours i've ever seen. sooooo close to black but with the best purple/red tint.

3. CARMEX. Yup, that ol' standby.

4. 'WATER LIPSTICK' Some kind of weird chapstick that I found in my parents' medicine cabinet. I guess (hope) it's some kind of chapstick... It has some unidentifiable Asian writing all over it other than the 'water lipstick'. It's really not great but I lose so many chapsticks that I need to always keep more than one in my bag at one time....

5. This thing is AMAZING. It's one of my most favourite recent purchases. It's some kind of ponytail holding contraption. Pink plastic with rhinestones. I wish I could find more of these. It was a one-off find from my favourite SPCA store on Broadway.

6. PILLS. (Yes, I know. I take too many.)

7. HAIR BAND (complete with mini studs. 8 for a dollar at dollarama) and HAIR TIE. I'm surprised that there was only one in my bag. Usually there are either none of about 12....

8. My 'everyday' MOLESKINE. This is the one that I carry with me everywhere. Before this I was carrying a Zap Book with me everywhere but the pages from those things malt worse than my hair. Spilling out of it:

a) a note from clare

b) British flag drawn onto a coffee cup. When me and Jacob were going to Michael's graduation it was an eeeaaaarrrrllly start (or just felt like it) and he sweetly swang by the coffee shop before coming to pick me up. Caleb was working and I was running late so Jacob hung out there a while and they drew a little British flag on mine and a sweet American flag on Jacobs. They were so good that when we finished the coffee I tore off the pictures and have kept them in my back pocket ever since.....)

c) I seem to have a compulsion towards buying random postcards. usually really old and really ugly and of places i've never been to before. this one is of the 'south shields' which looks like the most depressing (read: AWESOME) holiday destination in Britain. I have written and even addressed it to somebody but it has been sitting in my notebook unsent for over a year.

d) a business card for one 'Harold Cruickshank'. He was this (very) old man that I met in the doctor's office in my Grandmother's village. Somehow we started talking photography... We talked a long time and when he realised that I mostly use film cameras and still have not mastered photoshop he became 'obsessed' with having me come visit him to teach me. I would actually take him up on the option next time I'm back in England. But he might be dead.

e) a sweet note from nelly (that's her music myspace but you can also read her blog here)

f) the American counterpart of aforementioned coffee-cup series

9. BOBBY PINS. I leave these like a trail of bedcrumbs wherever I go.

10. MARKUS LUPFER SEQUIN SWEATER. In case I get cold. It doesn't technically 'go' with much but I don't care. I will wear it on top of ANYTHING.

11. PASSPORT. The photo I have in it is so unflattering that last time I went through immigration the customs guy actually said "Wow. You've lost a lot of weight!" It did not feel like a compliment.

12. PERSEPOLIS. (Parts I&II) Awesome autobiographical graphic novel about growing up in Iran.

13. WHISTLE. I bought this on a leather necklace (which broke IMMEDIATELY) and have since been wearing it on a chain with various other charms. It is my pathetic attempt at safety when walking alone through Vancouver at night. I don't have any mase here so I keep telling myself that a loud whistle will do a similar job. hmmm.

14. RINGS. Two skull rings (bought on Ocracoke, NC (Bluebeard's Island) in a pirate shop. I bought 6 of them for a buck or two a piece and wore them all at once. One by one they've been dying but I still have a few left. The other two are tacky rhinestone rings. I CAN'T STOP BUYING THEM. For me, rings work the tackier the better. I like to pile them three high and three long (not keen on pinky or thumb rings). This is probably (definitely) why all of my tights have runs and all of my sweaters have nicks.....

15. NECKLACE. I find it really hard to find really long chains and don't recall where i got this one. I bought a 'V' (for Vivi. obv) keyring, took it apart and wear the 'V' as a charm on this one.

16. PEN. bics. work. best.

17. PHOTO IN A BAGGY. I actually just discovered this while pulling all of the stuff out of this bag for the bag dump. I bought the bag in a consingment store the other week and i guess this belongs to it's former owner. the bag's former owner that is, not the child's. well maybe the child's.....

18. PHONE. US phone number. Yeah, i know. It's pink. It's a pink cell phone. At the time I just reeeeeeeally wanted an LG phone and this was the only one my phone company would give me.

19. IPHONE (1). UK phone number.

20. HOUSE KEY. Please note: I DID NOT choose that garish pattern.

21. MAKE UP. Concealer, black kohl pencil, black liquid eye liner, mascara, gold glitter eyeliner. All held together with a hair tie.

22. BARR CD i just bought. I didn't think I would find anything worthwhile in the Zulu dollar section but I ended up next to it by following the staff selections along the adjacent wall. Something caught my eye and next thing I knew I was flipping through wondering whether or not to indulge my 14 year old self by purchasing an Ocean Colour Scene album when I saw this. This happens to be one of my FAVOURITE albums (at the moment) so I couldn't believe it was sitting in there. (Mind you, in past years I have also found a rare Liz Phair EP and an even rarer Will Oldham EP in their $1 section so I don't know why I dismissed it in the first place....)

23. EYESHADOW. green. bright green.

24. TSHIRT. A VERY busted up hanes t-shirt that i've had for a million years. last week for Ice Cream Social O went wearing a vintage dress i hadn't worn before and i was so worried i would overheat and die in it that i threw this into my bag to do a quick-change in the washroom if it came to that. I guess I haven't emptied my bag properly since.

25. IPHONE CASE. I stalked this little purse for a looooong time. They had two of these in an antique mall in virginia. Amazing soft leather in different colours, silk lining, adorable little purse that attaches to the lining by a long piece of elastic. I really wanted it as a case for my Nintendo DS (yes. i'm lame) so that I could keep my DS in it and the games in the pouch. But it was so expensive I couldn't justify it. During their closing down sale (sad face) they marked everything down 70% and I snapped it up. Shortly after it was in my bag when I had a chemical spill that dyed the insides of my bag and this little purse. Seeing as I never use my DS anymore I use it mostly as an iPhone case (until I find a better one) and store the headphones in the little mini purse that sits inside (28.)

26. IPOD

27. IPHONE (2). Second UK phone number.

28. HEADPHONES IN PURSE

29. CIGARETTES. I actually don't smoke. But everyone around me does....

30. CASH. (And not enough of it.)

31. WALLET. I was poor and so I just sold my lovely Martin Margiela wallet and I'm back to this old piece of crap while searching for a better replacement.

32. BAND AIDS. A necessity. I blister like a leper.

33. CARDS. Driving licence, bank cards, AA, etc.

34. TICKETS to the Dinosaur Jr show the other night.

35. PILE OF PAPER PIECES: found scattered throughout my bag. Including the coatcheck ticket that i couldn't find on Monday night at Ice Cream Social when i wanted my bag back (yet the lovely coat check girl let me go the rest of the night without it even though I must have picked it up and taken it out half a dozen times), stamps to england, receipts, macdonalds monopoly coupons (I was so drunk at the time that I was worried they perhaps were million dollar winner tickets or something and I just couldn't understand them so I kept them until I was sober enough to see if they actually meant anything. of course they don't), bus transfers, starbucks free music card and somebody's phone number and e-mail (which i can't read) written on a torn up cigarette box

And there we go. A day in the life of my bag....

(Apologies for the poor 'illustration' of my contents. T'ain't my 'thang')

Bike Envy

I'm currently using my brother's bike and not only is it ugly but it's also so big for me that getting on and off of it is something of an ordeal. I basically have to take a running jump to get on it and stopping is terrifying. If I can't find a curb to step down on then I just sort of have to 'fall' off the bike. The whole process looks very graceful.

Most of all I'm scared with every bump I cross that I will be jolted off the seat and land on the crossbar, crushing my fertility to smithereens....

So I've been crushing on bikes harder than ever lately and when I passed a store the other day that looked like it was selling Pashleys I was inspired to come home and basically spent the afternoon gazing at beautiful bikes through my computer.

I want this:

Oh and like every single bike on Bike Porn. (Though I'd be too scared to ride any of them)

It's that time of year again....

You know. Where there are precious few musicians it's appropriate to listen to.

Talking about appropriate/not appropriate and Bruce Springsteen (which I was)....

I can't stop looking at this...

Or this....

But most especially this....

(Too rude?)

So when I finally realize my dream of becoming the lead singer of a Liz Phair tribute band. It will look like this.

Craigslist: Missed Connections

Reading the Craigslist Missed Connections is like my morning crossword puzzle. Except you know, it doesn't make me feel any smarter. But you know, it's kind of the same thing....

Anyway, I read them EVERY day. It is possibly one of my greatest life ambitions to one day find an ad for me on here. There are a good share of slightly creepy messages on there but none yet have compared to this that I found today:

The Girl in my cab - m4w (Vancouver)

---

Date: 2009-11-09, 10:04PM PST

---

To the girl that seduce me because she didnt have enough money to pay the fare, well long story short, it was all on camera and i curently have no job, you were tall ,blonde and drunk, if you remember enough of that night or even if you dont give me a shout, i curently have lots of time on my hands, thanks

• Location: Vancouver
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1459184474

---

I don't think I even get it. Is he threatening her or trying to seduce her...?

Dear Vancouver,

LET GO OF ME....

Friends Like These....

I have been watching this NON-STOP.

www.bronxcheercomedy.com

I REALLY want to see them live....

Craigslist

Okay, okay. So I'm obviously naive and stupid but I put an ad on Craigslist looking for road trip buddies and the responses have been....

hmm.....

Well, you can imagine.

Ugh.

Quote of the day....

I got an adorable compliment from a boy today and in the awkward aftermath (I never quite now how to respond to a compliment) he came out with this little gem:

"My friend said yesterday that the way to a girls heart is to tell her things that a gay man would say whilst trying to remain looking like the strong silent type.... I thought that sounded remarkable sensible."

RECIPE: Best Quick Snack EVER (Brown Rice & Edamame)

I'm a sucker for edamame. One of my first jobs as a nanny I took care of vegetarian children and it was in fact THEM that introduced me to the joys of soya beans. The first time I served it to them I smothered them in melted butter and doused it with ridiculous amounts of salt and pepper like the packaging recommended. (Yeah, I know how to raise healthy kids....) They turned their noses up at it and would rather have them plain as peas.... (kids are dull.)

Ever since then I've been counteracting the healthiness of soya beans with oodles of butter and salt and then when I concocted this beauty I've been upping the health/unhealth factor....

FRIED BROWN RICE WITH EDAMAME

1. Microwave up a nice bag of brown rice (or cook it if you're less lazy than me)

2. Steam or boil some frozen shelled edamame (It's usually 3 minutes in the microwave)

3. Drain the edamame and toss it up with a good amount of butter, salt and pepper

4. Add the edamame to the rice and fry them up in a good amount of Sesame Oil

5. Go ahead, add a little more s'n'p. More butter too if you want it good n' greeezeeey.

Deeeeelishis. (and you can even pretend it's a little bit healthy with all the glorious fibre of brown rice and the protein of edamame. yay.)

Necklace

A few years ago she bought me one of these Milagro Mexican leg charms and hung it on a thing piece of thread for me. It was a spontaneous present because she had just discovered Milagro charms and "knew I would like it"

OF COURSE i would. I fucking loved it. I put it on yesterday. And cried. Of course. I then managed to wear and be aware of it all day without tears. I just looked in the mirror tonight and noticed it around my neck and straight away started bawling....

Drunk as I may be I thought that tomorrow I might forget/remember all over again and it would have the same devastating effect so I tried to take it off. Numb, (drunk), fumbling hands meant that I snapped the thin delicate thread that has endured years of wear. Way to make a bad situation worse......

ANOTHER FUCKING PARKING TICKET

I swear to god he was waiting for me.....

I couldn't believe there was a spot and clearly I should not have. As I put money in the parking meter and realised there was only one slot for coins I only 'half' clicked. As I wandered into Rogers it was beginning to dawn on me that I may have just paid the parking for the car behind me and I was actually parked illegally which would explain why I was 'allowed' to park so close to the corner....

Movies grabbed swiftly I dashed back outside. Couldn't have been even 10 minutes and at 8pm on a tiny side-street blocks and BLOCKS away from any of the main streets.

A quick glance at my windscreen as I jumped back into the car and it looked like I'd made it. 5 minutes later I notice the flapping yellow slip giving me the finger from beneath my wiper.

"Fuck you" it said....

"Motherfucker" was my response.

It still won....

MEMORY: James Michael Harper

Me & Michael. Whites Truck Stop c.2002

When I first moved to America at the age of 18 and fell into the company of (one of the greatest men I have ever met) MICHAEL HARPER I was living in this incredible old apartment in downtown Staunton. Michael (and some other amazing people who I am now incredibly close to but was TERRIFIED of at the time) worked at the coffee shop around the corner and when he would get off work at about midnight he would wander over to the apartment and depending on what time/kind of classes he had the next morning he would stop by after work.....

On the days he had an early rise he would time his visits by tracks. He would bring a stack of CDs and it would be "I can stay for this ONE track" or "I've got one album before I have to get back" or my favourite would be when he walked through the door with a small stack of albums and a full pack of cigarettes and I knew he was ours for a couple of hours....

Michael Harper definitely influenced my music taste. More than any other.

For me, I often think that people get a lot of their musical influence from older siblings (maybe thats just because my best friend growing up had the coolest sister and at the age of 14 I would covet her mix tapes filled with Hole, Pulp, The Modern Lovers & Velvet Underground) yet the only thing I ever got from my only older sibling (musically) was Guns'n'Roses. (The boy was so obsessed he was in a G'n'R tribute band throughout his teens and into his 20s). Or (more likely) its just because Michael Harper has the most impeccable taste.

It was the mix tapes that Michael mailed me through my late teens and early 20s that gave me some of my favourite bands and still when he walks through my door and has a CD in his hand or sheepishly hands me a mix-tape, I KNOW something amazing is going to happen.....

I miss him a whole ton right now and I'm REALLY looking forward to spending some time around a stereo with him as soon as I get back to Virginia....